In the not-so-Beginning,

God created Elliot.

And it was not-so-good.

Just simply average.

Then God said,

"Thanks for coming out".

If there ever was a story for each and everyone of us, I'm sure it would beginning in such a manner... in my mind anyway.

Life is filled with twists and turns that seem to meander in every which way. "Some" [fools] claim that this is what makes life that much more exciting. Furthermore, they include that those of us who make it are those that have succeeded in this meritocratic society we have built up for ourselves.

I'm told that humans enjoy "smart and easy".

We are all imperfect because we simply are. When we really really think hard about it... we seem to have created this construct that resembles a normal (bell) curve from which most individuals are in the middle and some lucky or unlucky individuals are on the extremes. What is unimportant is in the information that this curve provides us with, especially in terms of where we stand on this merit based curve. What is important is in the fact that we, as a society, have created our own extremes from which we delineate the excellent-please-lead-us-into-the-future from the horrible-why-where-you-ever-born.

The criteria that is used to delinate these individuals is basically non-existent... by "non-existent" I'm basically saying that the criteria asks all of us to be perfect, something I believe is impossible for most of the time.

We as humans were not made to fail. We simply fail based on a criteria that is based on impossible demands that bases itself in greed... or what we like to call "necessity".

We're all living the "Korean Dream" in certain aspects... or at least striving towards it. All our parents expect great things from us and if they aren't, then they've given up and have accept the incredibly catharic notion that we [their children] will never live up to their standards. Then there's the whole "immigrant family discourse" that encapsulates or blames the failure of their asian children on institutional or systematic racism that they themselves help to perpetuate through using it as an explanation for the shortcomings of their children.

Will we ever stop? No. Why? Cause we're Korean.

I contradict myself... and it feels great.

The simple fact of that matter is... most Koreans that do end up attempting post-secondary education are in the top tier of Canadian and the so-called "global" society. We are given opportunities that some people cannot even dream about in their wildest "girls-gone-wild" dreams. For that matter... we are blessed and at the same time cursed. We are blessed because most of us will not starve; but, then most of us will never be too well off either. We will occupy what academia has labelled as the new-middle class (non-skilled focussed labour such as service jobs). Most of us will most likely work in a field that we didn't even touch upon in undergrad... Why? Because the jobs that we get make the bills go away and that's sufficient for us all.

Do we or will we ever strive to be serious history makers in this land?

Do we go through all this bull just to pay the bills or the mortgage?

Are we willing to give up this security in order to pursue a greater calling?

Or are we simply going to turn our backs to it... and just fake it on like we'll make it every Sunday?

Can we really stop owning our own destiny... and give up our dreams of condos on Robson, 1.5 kids, and a Beemer in the underground parking lot?

Can we give up all those things to God?

I honestly... couldn't tell you. I'm too young. I lack wisdom to even dwell upon such things... and yet I do... and I contradict myself at every turn.

I seek knowledge and wisdom... but will it all stop when the ring goes on the finger and I'm stuck wearing a black tie for the next couple of nine-to-fives for the rest of my life?

This merry-go-round will end eventually... I can feel the music slowing down. The laughter has dissipated a while ago and all that can be heard is the falsity that is so inherent in the music box tune that is twinkling out of the speakers. This moment... will never come again. The false promises this ride brought into my heart were so clear and so fresh in the beginning... yet these emotions have become more and more sparse in occurence as the reality of the situation became clearer... as the world outside of this merry-go-round become more apparent.

The music will eventually stop.

And I will be forced to get off.

It ceases to amaze me... just how humbled I am in the presence of children. When really sifting past the preconcieved image or notion we have regarding our expectation of children we encounter, we find raw passion and drive towards the things that they seek... whatever those things may be. To really see from a child's perspective is to forsake all the "mature" clutter that tends to accumlate in the mind of adults. To sweep away doubts and fears that develop out of actually having something that is valued in one's life and in having something that can be lost, whatever those things may be, is to finally see the situation for what it is. The pure simplicity and the beauty of thinking in such simplistic terms may seem to generalistic and optimistic to many. In adopting a cynical and often pessimistic view of the world may be emotionally adaptive and socially defensive. But nothing can describe the feeling of being free from these things that bind us down in our thoughts, in our ability to express our true emotions, and in our ability to dream in an open field that is free from the chains that this world and this society binds us down with. Finding and developing a passion that is born from a raw and unformed fire that exists within our very hearts... now that's intellectually stimulating. (cue slap bass music) The beauty of childhood we were ambivalent to during our own childhoods... ... to find fruition within our hearts under such harsh and unforgiving conditions that constitute adult life. *sigh*

Faith. Forgetting why something is done in one's own life can be the greatest of all wake-up calls. Upon no-room-for-bull type reflection on the direction one is taking and realizing the hopeless end that it encompasses, any discerning individual will stumble upon the notion of how life has become something that holds no room for faith. Especially with lives that revolve around school... where time is roughly delinated into studying, eating, going to the bathroom, playing, and if time allows it... sleeping. A place in which merit is associated with one's ability to barf out information on a page within a alloted amount of time... and knowing fully well how one must behave in order to get the best results... faith has somehow becomes secondary if not irrelevant. In my opinion, this irrelevance stems from our own inability to TRULY accept the idea that most things, if not all things, are out of our hands. To work within the academic paradigm, the application of simple probability equations will point out how "out of control" we really are. Only through a percieved notion of control that stems from an innate need for control, order, and structure do we put ourselves through all this bull. In equating particular types of highly improbable and unlikely behaviours (studying 12 hours everyday and 3 weeks in advance for a midterm or... *gasp* studying ahead), with success... we percieve control. But reality is reality... and life rarely, if not ever, goes perfectly according to plan. Let's just admit it and get it over with. We really have no control over our lives... we're just tagging along for the ride. In reality, through all the tears and through all the "pain we percieve and feel"... we're simply lying to ourselves due to extremely limited foresight. Maybe this limited foresight, which translates to ignorance in my opinion, maybe a blessing in itself. History and humankind's actions within history as discourse is the prime example of how short-sighted we really are. We all have instances and events in our lives we would like to forget that have stemmed from our own short-sightedness. We claim we cannot predict the future, but when we get to a certain point in our lives and we've lived through enough experiences, we can begin to equate that certain behaviours lead to certain outcomes... and no... lightening will not strike the professor on the way from their office to the classroom and spontaneously combust the freshly photocopied test papers they're carrying. Maybe this bliss-filled hope in imagining the possibility of such events happening is this blessing of short-sightedness. The reality of human action is in the fact that life on this Earth will usually continue with or without us. (Sans nuclear holocaust or some other apocalyptic disaster) Sometimes... it's better not to know then to know it all. It's like the Matrix... in knowing that it's all fake... in knowing that actions and consequences mean pretty much nothing. But then again, how can one argue that our lives are that different. Doesn't reality gain validity when we ourselves attribute such validity to it... regardless of it being real or fake? Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden is similar to this analogy in the sense that they too were ignorant of certain things before gobbling up the fruit... they were "naked" and they didn't know it... As Christian... knowing that there is "life" after this life... how can we hold validity to this life on earth at all... when it parallels the notion of life on earth being a constructed existence apart from the real life that awaits us after we croak. Do we validate life through the simple fact of short-sightedness and by being preoccupied through such trivially insignificant matters in our daily lives? Then again... why didn't God put us in "heaven" in the first place? For our own good... no matter how you define "good"... we need faith. Through our limitations that we percieve compared to some unreachable ideal, we will never be what we define as being "perfect". The whole notion of a happy and good life is lost on God... we will never be that comfortable and we really never are. In reality... we are in desperate need of him because he brings validity into this life that is fake and irrelevant to the core. Like living within the Matrix... we are ignorantly content in living out lives that hold worth measured on insignificant and invalid measures that should ultimately be rejected because they simply perpetuate negative human interaction and the idea of a worthless existence. In the simple notion of not choosing to believe that there is someone out there... we are in essence, rejecting the fundamental law of existence in itself because in order to be something, we must first come from something... and knowing that all "somethings" are subjectively defined... no truly objective measure of reality will ever exist as long as we reject the concept of faith. Because it is in faith we are able to accept everything as it is, and not as it should be.

I want to be your hands.

I want to be your feet.

I'll go where you send me,

go where you send me.

The days can go by pretty quick and then suddenly it hits you like bird poop falling from the trees.

Fear

Many older individuals that I have talked to during my childhood have claimed that such fear that tends to arise in your heart is normal. They keep clamouring on about how you have to do this and that and be this and that... when at that age all you want is a damn Super Nintendo for Christmas. The memories of being given "the lecture" on how to be successful in life by Korean adults other than my parents remain all too clear in my mind.

But as I "grow older" (my older sis would laugh at this cause to her I'll always be that little irresponsible brother asking for money... which I still am, thank you very much), I've caught myself on more than one occassion... saying the exact words that these Korean adults preached into my little ears many years ago.

Upon reaching an end (graduating), I've figured out that... there really isn't a "cathartic end" that we all envision or even expect in our hearts and minds. That this "future" we keep talking about is really simply about the here and now. Relativity... what we do, we will eventually become.

So what exactly is this dark and wretched mystery that dwells within my heart? Uncertainty is only the absence of a self-fulfilling propechy... the Lord may have made, but also guides us towards a particular destination. So in placing greater emphasis on the journey or the destination is useless because both matter equally.

Let me explain.

Upon reaching a destination... we never really stay very long do we? And while in constant movement toward such destination... an action we like to romanticize by calling it "a journey", we never really remember very much or derive all that much from them... when you really, really, really, really think about it... it is our placement of importance that becomes encapsulated into words such as "journey" or "destination".

Generalizations drawing from subjective and abstract experiences you say?

Sure. So what?

It doesn't matter how you really get there... the road you take... or where you're really going in the first place. We take the road because in the end... we choose to. We arrive because we choose to. Therein the power of human existence... the ability to choose by the grace of God.

Choice.

If you've ever guessed on multiple choice questions and expected to get answers correct... you'll probably find that you'll get most of the answers you guessed marked as being incorrect.

Maybe... just maybe... we make the wrong choices for the right reasons.

An intriguing oxymoron n'est pas?

We choose in life... most often never knowing what lies behind such doors of choice. Usually making all the wrong choices... and once in a while making the right one.

What the hell is it all for anyway... when even after all the choices have been made and forgotten

...you're left with fear in your heart and pain to pay for a failure in something not even real.

Bad things happen to good people.

...and in many cases... we cannot even begin to comprehend why an all powerful God... like my God would allow such things to occur in the first place.

The problem of evil... in being the crux of the argument made against the simple presence or existence of God presents many doubts in the minds of many.

The problem with such an argument is in making the assumption that God would follow the human construct of logic and common sense. If such an imagined condition within a predetermined set of principles and guidelines were assumed to reign in all the universe... the simple existence of humanity itself and the world would be invalid. How can the human definition of meaning and worth be ascribed to such a empty argument of human existence stemming from the condensation and explosion of matter at one point in time. Ascribing faith... faith... in an unimaginable probability of certain forces coming together at the right place at the right time... to create a world... a society...a culture... families... mothers... fathers... sons... daughters. To encapsulate the human experience within such cold and imagined boundaries is simply... in my mind... bullshit.

We have been given what we have. The right to claiming the apocryhal nature of intelligent design is valid; however, subjegating this notion into the realm of falsity is not. Every scientific construct, principle, theory, hypothesis, or question must be taken with a grain of faith... no matter how small. Twenty years ago, our image of the cell membrane was vastly different from the picture we have drawn today. If we cannot even concretely understand the basic unit of our own bodies... how can we even begin to extend these accusations upon things that stem outside of our bodies. Even if we question the existence of reality outside of our own subjective experience... how can we so wholeheartedly deny even the possibility in someone greater than ourselves? Are we so "intellectually" bloated to the point of constantly denying the existence of something greater than ourselves? We believe that science can solve everything... and if given enough time, effort, and money... maybe it can. But if science is given the faith that it gets... without question... then the existence of this God... my God... deserves some faith too.

... so yes... shit happens

Is there always a reason? I honestly cannot tell you.

What do you tell an individual who is at risk of losing a loved one to a potentially terminal disease? Do you tell them that whatever happens... it was God's will all along?

What do you tell a couple who have just recently lost a baby? Do you tell them that the child has gone to happy-land and is frolicking in the right hand of God?

What do you tell the individual who has strived to evoke change in this world... to make this place better... only to be denied any opportunity... and be shunned from a society that neither appreciates his or her effort... or heart.

No one... and I mean no one... can truly answer these questions with the cold, presumed objectivity of a scientist or a psychologist for that matter.

Do we only feel hope because it's an evolutionary adaptation that induces greater fitness through increasing the will to live? Do we continue to live only because we hope and pray for a better day to come when... no such day will come?

Can you look into the eyes of any individual and truly tell them... with all your heart and soul... that... for at least this moment in time... and in this place... maybe... just maybe... we have to stop trusting what human logic and intelligence tells us... and to follow something that cannot be ascribed in such words as these... that to have hope... faith... and love... maybe the only way?

the leaves have yet to fall but the clouds are readily rolling in

to this island that i choose to spend this portion of my life on.

my perception and from what i expect to be the perceptions of most people

tell me that when the leaves start falling

hearts start breaking

in remembrance of what once was

or what could have been.

many people around me seem to be hurtin' in secret.

one can see such pain from the quick looks they give to couples

these looks filled with memories of pain or happiness

maybe even memories that hold absolutely no relevance

and simple reproductions of their imaginations of reality and society in general.

maybe these looks are filled with thoughts of great violence

huge skyscraper sized leaves falling onto these amour-filled couples as they walk

down with their once comfortable stomaches filled with oven heated pie slices

and extra hot-non fat-soy-no foam-green tea-matcha-strawberry avocado cream-mocha-

latte frappacino.

walking down a road that cannot be seen

completely covered with fallen leaves

the rain will begin to fall

the cold will embrace the wind

flakes can then have their turn

to turn this world in

to an unrecognizable place.

where imagination becomes

and reality begins.

With all that goes on around us. With all the things that we attribute as the "background music" of our lives. The "business" of life can be an intriguing thing.

We tend to compartmentalize and organize certain aspects within our lives in tiny set pieces. Each piece represents a certain response we make and the combination of these pieces create a mosaic that sees fruition through our response.

Therein comes the lovely and somewhat beautiful masks we construct for ourselves. Each serves a different purpose entirely... ranging from the "family" mask, the "church" mask, and the lovely "gonna get wasted" mask. Our "multifaceted" personality encompasses all these masks and yet we still search for something that truly represents our own true being... taking into consideration whether or not such a thing in fact exists at all.

What does it really mean to be "real" anyway? Wouldn't being real be defined as something as simple as just presenting one mask on a consistent basis? Are we really brave enough to let go of something that has served as our consistent defense mechanism to this often confusing world which none of us really understand in the first place?

Hence, we attribute a sense of business professionalism to every aspect of our being entrenched in the "nails down the chalkboard" experience that is life. In work and even in play... we never really seem to lose them. I guess social norms and expectations are somewhat to blame... our constant conformation to jump through enough hoops to take our fair slice of the meritocratic pie that lies on the ever so proverbial "window sill" of success.

... so what can one really do?

To love is to surrender. To understand is to destroy mystery. To know is to give up innocence. To be is to stay in one mode of existence. To forgive is to forget retribution. To listen is to lose voice. To live is to die To die is to live To trust is to risk To risk is to expose To expose is to be weak ... but to be weak is to surrender. To surrender everything... is to truly love.

                                                     there is no           
                                                                      best



                                                                               only destiny                                                                                          
                                                                                            to fulfill

MP3 players have become the bain of music. Long gone are the days when music used to be something exclusive and something of worth and value. I remember days when I could actually stand listening to a song over and over again. I remember such low tech days in which I would record the same song over and over again on tape due to lack of a "repeat" function on walkmans. The advent of the internet, mp3, and file sharing for that matter has diluted the novelty that has surrounded music that I fondly remember many moons ago. Gone are the days in which one would borrow a CD or tape from a friend and record them onto a tape so that it could be listened to on a stereo in the bedroom or car. Now... I can hardly stand listen through a whole song on my iPod. Listen to the intro... flip... next song. Over and over again. Technology has spoiled me, and I have lost... in part... my pure appreciation of good music. Don't get me wrong here... I heart my iPod... it's one of the greatest gifts you can give a person... the gift of music.... whoa... that sounded like some corporate endorsement... Anyhoo... where was I... ah yes. Yes, I acknowledge that it's good that we're stickin' it to the record labels... and I think these labels are taking the WRONG route to the solution. They must somehow bring back that "special something" back into music... stop concentrating so much on profits and numbers, and FIND... not produce... music that can be enjoyed by all... hmm... I'm not making much sense here. IGNORE THE LAST PARAGRAPH. When I think of tapes... it simply brings me back to my childhood. Memories of dancing to the Ghostbusters soundtrack in the basement of Cecilia and Emily's house back in the day. My first walkman... an Aiwa with an external speaker that my parents got me from LA. How the music starts to slow down when the batteries on the walkman start dying out. The R & B mixtape I made with Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. Who could forget the Seo Taiji and Boys tape that I sang along to without having a CLUE as to what they were saying. (Only now do I fully understand what they were talking about.) Even though technology gives us more freedoms... it really can be a killjoy.

Life is beautiful... because everything that bears any significance in life is all but hidden in what, at first, appears to be the insignificant.

Upon some protracted introspection, I find myself feeling very very old... and finally beginning to understand, let alone relate, to what my parents have been telling me all along. With life... and everything that is entrenched within it, without God... there is no other way. No matter how hard we try, all our successes and failures will be for nothing... and even with God in it, without the love that he brings into our hearts... and without the use of this love in whatever we are doing... irrelevance is born.

All my life, First Corinthians 13 has been something I've held dear to my heart. Yes... it's talking about love... but upon reading it over and over again, one finally comes to realize that it's not really talking about love as we know it or even feel it. It is something much deeper and mysterious.

So... I give you my interpretation of Corithians 13:




Even though I have the most eloquent set of words graced by any being in existence, without your love in my heart... those words have no bearing in any dimension.

Even though I am awarded all the PhDs in the land with all the social recognition that comes with it. Even though I am the greatest scholar or businessman of my time and have solved all the mysteries and problems of the past, present and future. Even if I make the scientific discovery of a lifetime, or engage in work that will mend the wounds of humankind... afflicted by disease, war, pain and suffering. Without your love in my heart... and without my love in those things... they mean nothing.

I can give all that I have to the bums on the streets till I myself am butt naked and blue in the face... Even if I endure the greatest persecution for my beliefs or my work till I am burn on a stake or shot in the head... even in these noblest deeds... without your love in my heart... without my opened heart that is receptive to your love... and without this love saturating the very essence of these deeds... they mean nothing.

Love is like a diamond... it is yesterday, it is today, and it is tomorrow in all things from people, to situations, to promises, to successes, and to failures. Love does things out of kindness... not out of some hidden subconscious benefit... not even for the sake of going to heaven or recieving some monetary like reward in heaven. Love doesn't get green. Love is a pretty quiet person and even in the silent moments, doesn't reflect on itself very much.

Love pulls out chairs and holds doors. Once again, love doesn't reflect too much on itself. Love doesn't get red. Love is one forgetful dude.

Love doesn't like evil... some may question what consitutes "evil", but love is above questioning that... and simply knows the difference between "evil" and the other. Love in itself is an expression of the truth; therefore, love seeks to see this expression come to fruition.

Love looks out for those above, below, in front, behind, and beside it. Love doesn't get suspicious... Love believes in hope, because to hope is to truly live. When one lives in love... they know what is meant to be... and what is meant to be will happen; therefore in short, love never gives up, never gives in.

Everything in this world is finite... there is no infinite. All the money, Armani suits, the 1956 Porsch 356A Cabrio Speedster Black, university degrees, high paying jobs, nicely furnished high rise condos in Yaletown, 1.5 kids, parents, teachers, even memories... everything we think we are building to last us a lifetime... everything we are working towards... one day... will be no more. Take your hand and blow on it... like dust leaving your palm... gone.

We all like to think we know... but in reality, we're really guessing most of the time. And love in itself is like the two sides of a coin... black and white... we all like to think that there are levels to it... but in reality... in the inner depths of our heart... it's perfect or not-perfect... there is or is not love. There is no "I think" in love... there isn't even an "I know"... it simpy is.

It's like when we were children... we had all these hopes and dreams... wishing and hoping... I'm not saying love is this way... what I am saying is that as we grow older... we may describe ourselves as becoming more "mature" but in reality, maybe we are growing into an existence that is unnatural to our true selves. If love is encompassed in the characteristics of what a child sees in this world... maybe we have lost ourselves... as the reflection on that mirror grows older as the days go by... and there is only a poor reflection of what was full. Therefore, when you allow love to creep in and when you introduce this love to everything else in your being... you will no longer be clueless to your true existence... but you will know fully and he will know you.

They question of which character was the greatest to be possessed by a man: they are faith, hope and love. But the one that eludes us to this day... and maybe till the last breath we take is... love.

"... there is no 'i' in team america." let's face the reality we have constructed for ourselves within our own cultural entity we being north american citizens (canada, being just one large "state" as my friends to the boony south would say) are entitled to rights and privileges that only seem to benefit us in the long run upon birth can we not help but be introduced to a society that only knows production and consumption and have incorporated such processes in the very re-production of our own selves the harsh constructed reality of our own lives presents subjective facts that suggest that we are only as good as the economic value we attach to our descriptions the television commerical for a certain financial organization gives the notion that those that are in control of the large part of finances define the individuals of this high income economy with economically stigmatic words thus inferring that upon transfering our monetary worth to that particular institution the stigmas would automatically disappear my father and mother have always instilled in me that economic wealth is not the most important thing in my immigrant life i only need to defeat a system that is counterconducive to my definition of happiness and attain that very same definition represented in my own life so in other words i need to be a slick mofo that live with contradictions in my life and find some coping strategy that will bring me the economic stability i apparently need while living in my team american existence the only thing i hold to be true and of worth in my mind are the teachings of an individual that has been with me for a very long time this person apparently suggests that the hardest thing for any individual to do is to deny oneself and follow a course of life that will bring no rewards that have been socially constructed but to look for things that cannot be defined or understood therefore everyone has the choice of believing in this path that one cannot see only feel and infer basically this person is saying to have faith in the power that each and every individual holds the power to choose and the power to follow deny oneself and follow be re-produced not into something that can be defined by conventional linguisitic modes but by something that is like a wind never seen but always felt follow the wind not by sight but by what you feel in the very depths of your forgotten soul

... so, we all live and learn.

But we never seem to learn in time.

I've been looking over some of the "journals" I've kept in the past... and I've noticed a not so nice progression towards an more enlightened state. More like a squiggly line going up and down and up and down and then down some more... a lot more. *Ahem* Not so much something I had in mind when I started writing these things. I guess it's more like a window into what I'm really thinking... but many a time I have been burned for divulging barn burner details in some entries. Being a person that tends to keep to himself, my family has an inquenchable thirst to dig up dirt on my life... or maybe they're just curious as to how I'm doing. From sister, mother, roomate, and girlfriend (in that order) ... all have sneaked a peak. It's like that moment in Bridget Jones... you all know which scene I'm talking about. (BTW: That movie had a anti-male, pro-feminine chick flick that flaunts it and knows it shudder factor of super ultra caption.)

I digress... as always.

I see moments documented in crappy awkward high school kid prose. The early entries are painful to read... I said a lot of things in such complex ways when I could have summed it up very easily in one sentence. But in those very entries... I see an innocent kid with innocent dreams. I see a kid who loved God with all of his heart and had hopes and dreams all within him. I see a kid who was lonely, tired, and in many instances, very sad. But simply put... I saw a boy who wanted to embrace the whole world and change it.

Where is this boy now?

There are moments in some entries where I could remember the feelings that were going though me as I wrote them. I can feel the rush of great triumphs... and taste that same defeat in the many failures.

We forget way to quickly... and way to often.

So, we live and learn...

But for me... never in time.

Are you living your dream?

Never give up.

"Prayer is the greatest swiftest ship my heart could sail upon."

- Jewel Kilcher

Prayer is the greatest swiftest ship my heart could sail upon.

- Jewel Kilcher

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teachings about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. Therefore, let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, instructions about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. ANd God permitting, we will do so. It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed recives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned. Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case - things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.

- Hebrews 5:11 - 6:10

I need solid food... to taste the coming kingdom. But am I ready to challenge myself in such ways? If I really put my trust in him in this way, will I come back satisfied? When hurt and pain accompany life in these ways... will I revert back to drinking simple milk? Sometimes I question why I do some of the things I do in this life. When will I be able to release the passions I have in my life and truly be free to glorify him through what I truly... truly desire to do with ALL my heart. When will the passions and desires of my heart meld into glorifying him with ALL that I am? Hot, lukewarm, or cold... when will the passions of a nation united by his blood finally go out into this world and claim it for him.

Written around 2001, on a bench in front of the library... my bench.

THE LEAF

I was recently sitting on a bench at school drinking coffee and killing time. I lay an empty gaze to my surroundings. I saw a leaf fall to the ground. It lay on the ground for a while, then it started to slowly move. Gradually, it started to pick up and

DANCE

Just picture it in your head. There`s the leaf and the wind... accompanying each others moves, anticipating the next step, moving as one... and ultimately becoming one. Twirlling endlessly, and gracing the earth that it moves on. It was beautiful. It was extremely beautiful. I just sat there and watched...

Then I started to think about God... In this dance, both the leaf and the wind were performing. Pretty soon, you just see the leaf, and nothing more. You are conditioned, if you will, into seeing just that object; all the while not processing what the wind is doing with the leaf. If you think about it even more; the wind alone is what moves/leads/directs the leaf, not the leaf itself. The wind is what controls every factor of the movements of the leaf.

such is my life.

I am the leaf, and my life is the dance the leaf performs... what enpowers life and a will to continue? Ultimately...God. The Lord is my wind... I cannot dance without him... and my life is not what it can be without him... There are so many "happy" lives that people live... yet they are just leaves that do not dance... waiting to be trampled upon, decompose, disappear and be forgotten.

Yet life with God being the source of empowerment, encouragement, strength and ultimately love is the leaf that dances. The leaf, may not be very significant, but will establish a sense of beauty, wonderment, and an undeniable feeling of joy in those who see the performance. It make them feel what I felt when I watched that leaf... But sometimes the leaf doesn`t catch the swift arms of the wind, I myself have been in that situation alot. But I know, the wind is too large to miss everytime, and sooner or later, I will catch it again. The wind has promised. For those who do not yet see the wind... it is there. You may not be able to see it... but it is there.

Only a fool will deny the existence of the wind. A fool... I feel as if I often become oblivious to the wind... I am the foolish leaf that thinks I am leading the dance. But even in this situation

the wind will not stop blowing, and the leaf will not cease in its dancing.

In all of life, even in a simple thing like the movement of a leaf when the wind blows... You will see the face of God.

Turn on your radio... and most of the songs or the song titles of the songs that you will hear will have something... even a sliver of semblence... pertaining to love.

Why is it that we as a society are so preoccupied with the notion of falling in love, finding the right person... and eventually mating to create progeny that will eventually let us down in some way, while we systematically deny being let down in that way.

Do university text books hold validity regarding their slightly over the top discourse on the whole "purpose of life" which simply consists of doing whatever an individual/organism can to pass on its genes? I would like to believe that God had a... broader perspective on things regarding this subject. We as a society need to get over the fluffy attitude regarding L-O-V-E.

Love from individuals in this race we call human... come and go. So stop all the crying, fighting, complaining, and please... oh please... discontinue all MINDGAMES in progress.

Life goes on... and it ain't waiting for nobody... including you. When you meet the one... you'll know. And if you don't... well then... you've got a problem now don't you.

I know, I know... when desperation kicks in... yeah... we all know what goes down after that now...Have trouble finding love?

Start by loving yourself... then maybe... just maybe, you'll have room for loving that soon to be revealed special someone.

Why I'm writing about this at 3am in the morning is beyond me.